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Recognizing Abusive Relationships

This is in response to an anonymous inquiry.

Dear One,

I’m sorry that you experienced being physically assaulted by someone you trusted. I sense from your words that you are blaming yourself because you mentioned that you can be annoying and difficult sometimes. Please know that you are not to blame for this incident. No one has the right to physically assault you. You do not deserve to be punched in the face because you did not want to be filmed.

Now you want to know if you can trust that he will not hit you again. This is something that you’ll have to ask yourself honestly. Only you can make that assessment. For me, that type of behavior is not trustworthy. It shows disrespect and a lack of self-control. It’s also abusive.

From what you described; he does not take responsibility for his actions. Instead of acknowledging that he is responsible for his behavior, he told you what you should have done to avoid him acting in that manner. That is not trustworthy. You also mentioned that he is upset because this incident damaged his image. What about your image, and emotions, and physical health?

I am going to share some patterns of abusers. As empathetic and compassionate people it can sometimes be hard for us to process these experiences in a matter-of-fact way because the behaviors don’t make sense to us, and we may want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. As we move away from self-sacrificing tendencies and into self-empowerment let’s see what will be revealed.

In the book, “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” , Lundy Bancroft makes the following points:

-Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in one his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame.

-An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside.

-An abused woman tends to pour precious energy into supporting her abusive partner and massaging his ego, hoping against hope that if he is kept well stroked his next explosion might be averted…Praising him and boosting his self-opinion may buy you some time, but sooner or later he’ll jump back into chewing pieces out of you. When you try to improve an abuser’s feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse.

-An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands.

-An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts nonabusively, he is unwilling to do so…Abusers have normal abilities in conflict resolution, communication, and assertiveness when they choose to use them.

-There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner’s abuse problem is his own.

If you look back over your relationship, you might see that there were other incidents of abuse that you did not recognize. It would be very unlikely that someone goes from being perfectly loving and kind, to punching you in the face. It’s likely that there were other comments or occurrences that perhaps you brushed off or did not perceive as abusive.

Dear One, what would happen if you took the focus off of how much you love him, and put the focus on how much you love yourself ? What does that look like for you?

What does self-love feel like for you? Is loving yourself a priority in your life? If so, how do you show it? What are your priorities? What is important to you, and what kind of life do you want to live? How easy is it for you to completely accept yourself right now, in this moment, exactly as you are? You might want to grab a pen and paper and write down the answer to these questions if it resonates with you.

Besides healing from this incident, there may be other things that you may need to heal from as an act of self-love and empowerment. Earth is tough, and not currently designed to cultivate emotionally healthy experiences on a global scale, therefore we must do the work for ourselves. Here’s a listing of healing modalities that you might find helpful.

Please know that you are not obligated to rationalize someone’s abuse towards you. You deserve to be respected, appreciated, and loved just as you are. You cannot control how someone chooses to treat you, but you can control how you treat yourself and the type of life you work towards cultivating.

Change isn’t easy, and it can’t always be made at once. But in an instant, we can set our intent to live out our highest expression as Divine will allows.

Here are some affirmations that might be useful for you.

I love myself unconditionally.

I know my worth, and I deserve to be treated well.

I am whole, complete, and balanced within myself.

I am free from any entanglement, attachment, or disturbance now and forever.

Please only accept what resonates with your loving heart, all else can be discarded. May you be filled with clarity and peace.

With Love,



This was originally posted on the Return to Rightful Owner blog.